This is what I signed up for

I recall vividly the first few days that I worked in the hospital as a nursing assistant while in school.  I had brand new scrubs, a cute stethoscope, and shiny white tennis shoes.  I would bounce in a patients room with a smile from ear to ear. I was as green as grass.  Then it happened, I had to clean out a bedpan and poop for the first time and I thought, "This really isn't what I had in mind, a business degree sounds somewhat appealing".

In our lives we all have those moments when we think, is this really what I signed up for?  What was I thinking?  I am crazy!  I had that same exact thought at 4am this morning after two nights in a row of my two year old thinking that it is more fun to keep me awake at night.

When both of my babies were born I remember the feelings that I had in those first few precious hours of their lives.  The overwhelming feeling of love, the feeling of accomplishment, the pride you have when showing your child to your family for the first time.  Thankful.  Blessed.  It is a feeling that could never be matched, an amazing time to cherish.  Then all of the sudden about 8 hours into it those feelings get overshadowed by the constant feedings, the trying to get out of bed when you have almost been cut in half.  Smiling when the 20th person walks in your room for a visit when all you want to do is feed this kid and take a nap. Your spinal wears off!   Sitting on the side of the bed realizing that you are never going to be the same.  Then going home makes it even worse.  The anxiety sets in.  How do I get this kid to stop crying, and is that a blister on my nipple?  You want to take all of those pretty parenting books and cute little trinkets and run over them with the car.  Baby's r us did not mention this feeling on their "We have everything" registry.  This is NOT what I signed up for!

Being a mom is the hardest job that I have ever had.  Someone always needs to be taken care of, and there is always things to do.  Taking a shower is no longer a necessity but a luxury.  Days where you feel glamorous because you are wearing jeans instead of sweat pants.  I turned in my stilettos for crocks! I should get the freaking Nobel peace prize for this work!  Then when you least expect it, they rock your world!  They pat your face and give you slobber kisses.  They tell you how much they love you.  They tell you that you are pretty.  They make your day.

The next time they are awake half of the night and you have those thoughts about this journey not being exactly what you thought it would be, I will think of all of those moments that make me want to do it all over again.  The smell of a newborn and the sweet sounds they make. The first time that they look at you and smile.  The first time you hear them call your name.  The laughter that outweighs the cries.  It is the hardest thing I have ever done, but the reward is endless.  They make my life worth living.  My cup overflows.

When the kids take their nap today, instead of watching their sweet little faces while they sleep, I am going to run and jump in the bed and take a nap too.